I can’t even begin to understand the emotional toll this took on my mother as she shielded us from the harsh reality of his emotional detachment. I’d sometimes catch her crying when she thought no one was looking, even though she mostly tried to put on a brave face for her young children. I’m so grateful that my mom had and still has endless love and affection to give us.

My childhood led to a lifetime of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and low self-worth. I developed a strong need for validation, constantly seeking approval from others. To protect myself from further hurt, I built a wall around myself, keeping people at a distance to avoid potential abandonment and rejection. Witnessing my father’s infidelity eroded my trust in men. His betrayal left me questioning whether I would ever be able to find a loving partner I could trust. My long-term relationships were mostly plagued with doubt and suspicion.

In my early 40s, becoming a mother triggered a need to heal from the wounds of my past. I sought the help of therapists and a healer who guided me through powerful healing sessions, including one focused on my relationship with my dad. My healer and I meditated together and I experienced a breakthrough. For the first time in my life, I felt compassion for him. Tears streamed down my face as I felt a sense of peace. I understood that this was bigger than me.

I’ve come to realize that my father’s behavior was likely a result of his unresolved emotional issues. His avoidance tactics, such as workaholism, infidelity and possibly alcoholism, might have been attempts to cope with underlying pain or trauma. Maybe his own emotional neglect had been passed down from generation to generation. I realized that he might be living a life full of pain.

That said, I still find it difficult to have a relationship with him as he is still the same person as he was in my childhood but I make a point to see him because I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandfather.

The reality is that when my dad was growing up and had young children of his own, mental health wasn’t really a topic of discussion. Although I don’t think he’ll ever seek to heal, as a collective we’ve opened our eyes to mental health issues and the benefits of healing our trauma.

As a parent, I feel a deep responsibility to heal my own wounds so that I don’t pass them on to my kids. It’s a challenging journey, but I’m proud of the progress I’m making, for myself and for them. I’m trying my best to raise my sons by showing them love and that it’s ok to feel emotions, even when they’re hard to sit with. It’s ok to express them, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to not be ok.