Grieving the loss of my best friend

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“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison

I woke up this morning feeling sad. I had a tear streaming down my face before I got out of bed. The busy-ness of my birthday week is over and so are the distractions from my sadness. My heart feels heavy. It’s hard to breathe. I miss him so much it aches — especially in the morning, when I have to remind myself not to look over to where his dog bed used to be, to see if he’s awake.

Since Namo’s passing a month ago, I’ve received enormous support, messages, and heartfelt letters but there’s still a Grand Canyon size hole in my heart. Nothing seems to fill it.

Grief take us to the depths of our being and wakes us up to our capacity to feel.

Sometimes the enormity of grief hits me like a tidal wave, and I buckle over in the shower because I’m sobbing so hard. Other times, it’s a sharp bittersweet memory of our final months together, when I see a slow-walking, aging dog in the park.

Namo (short for Namaste) was the poster dog for unconditional love. He was my go-to comforting confidant for every breakup, business failure, and fear I have faced the past 12 years. He never judged me, just purely loved me with his big brown eyes.

When he passed away, I lost my best friend and my constant support system. The world feels scarier without him. It’s harder to reach out to people for support. With Namo, I just had to reach out a hand, or wrap my arms around his neck — much easier than picking up the phone to call someone.

Namo was always there for me, literally by my side.

I haven’t found someone or something to replace him, and intuitively I know that finding a replacement is not the answer.

There is no answer, nothing to fix. I’m allowing myself to grieve and take its natural course. In doing so, I’m reminded of why we’re here: to deeply love and be loved.

I know isolation is not good for me and that Namo taught me to share more of myself. He still tells me, now from the other side, that he loves me, and that I’m going to be okay.

Namo, I love you and miss you with all my heart.

Devon

Have you ever lost a beloved friend? There’s no way around the raw pain of grief — only through it. If this resonates for you, please share in the comments below. It’d mean a lot to me to hear from you.

 

How to Embrace Uncertainty

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Recently, my life has been in flux with lots of uncertainty.

I gave my 30 days notice at the ranch where I live and work and I don’t know where I’m moving yet. It’s the right decision, to move on. My intuition had been telling me to do it for months yet I was paralyzed in not knowing my next steps. Tired of feeling scared of the unknown and sick to my stomach by not acting on my intuition, I woke up on Friday, pushed past my fear, called the landlord, and spoke my truth.

The moment I hung up, a huge weight lifted…a clear sign that I’m moving in the right direction, although I don’t know where I’m moving.

Before I gave notice, the one requirement I gave myself was to secure a temporary place for me and my animals, which I did. It’s a last resort but gave me the cojones to give my notice and know that in the worst case scenario, Detail, Playboy, Namo, Charley and I wouldn’t end up homeless and barnless.

Once the temporary safety net was in place, I had nothing to lose, except the growing knot in my stomach.

Uncertainty stretches you Outside your Comfort Zone

I’m independent, stubborn, and proud aka I don’t like asking for help. However, being uncertain about where I’m ultimately going to live and work (and having a 30 day deadline), lit a fire under me. I’ve reached out to friends, family, and people in the horse community asking for suggestions of places to relocate. You never know who knows somebody who has a nice home for rent and a ranch with an indoor arena.

Instead of trying to figure this all out on my own (old habit), I’ve stretched outside my comfort zone and asked for what I want and need. As a result, people have been kind and helpful and have not looked down on me, as I feared they would if they found out that I don’t have my entire life figured out.

Here’s the secret…NONE OF US HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT. It feels vulnerable to ask for help and suggestions AND I’m realizing how many people are eager to help. By reaching out, I’ve gained great ideas and referrals, and most importantly, let other people in, especially when my life isn’t “perfect”.

It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. – Pema Chodron

Uncertainty makes you Re-evaluate your Life 

Uncertainty has been an opportunity to take stock of my life. It’s made me look around and re-evaluate the way I’ve been living. I’m proud of the business I’ve created and the impact Unbridled Retreats has on helping others. In the midst of building a business, my living conditions have taken a back seat and I’ve been roughing it a bit the past 3 years. What once worked for me, no longer does, and I’m ready to evolve my standards from a shower stall, to a shower with a bathtub.

I went to my financial planner a few weeks ago and she looked me in the eye and said “You’ve paid your dues. You should have a dishwasher.” I laughed and agreed.

It’s time to upgrade my life and I’m looking for a place that has the amenities I desire…a washer/dryer, bathtub, dishwasher, and a strong WiFi connection. I don’t know how my desires will manifest but I’m certain about the living conditions I’ve outgrown, and what I’m not willing to settle for.

“Maturity is the capacity to endure uncertainty.” – John Huston Finley 

Uncertainty teaches you to Trust and Have Faith

To address uncertainty and boost my manifesting mojo, I went on a shopping trip to Micheals for a small keepsake box, posterboard, and a glue stick.

Taking Tosha Silver’s advice, author of Outrageous Openness, I’ve created a God Box to write my worries on strips of paper and then put them in the box. It’s a tangible tool to release my worries, get out of my own way, and allow the Universe to do her thing.

I’ve also created an updated vision board, and written myself a check for the amount of money I want to make in a year, taping it above my bed as a reminder.

Feeling uncertain has propelled me into taking action steps that deepen my faith in the Universe. I’m learning to trust that what the Universe has in store for me, may not be what my ego has in store for me…gulp…and that’s ok.

“When nothing is certain, anything is possible.” – Author unknown

Uncertainty is inevitable and we can fear it or embrace it. I’m looking outside right now and I’m uncertain when will the muddy road dry out? Where will I end up living long-term?  When will I meet my soulmate? When am I going to…? The list goes on and on.

I’m not certain of the answers but I am certain that by honoring my intuition, taking action, reaching out, and trusting the process…the path will be revealed, one step at a time.

Seeking horse ranch and beautiful home with clawfoot tub,

Devon

How to Declutter and Bring More Joy into your Life

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You know what feels good? Decluttering.

Last night I cleared out 4 large drawers under my Ikea bed and here’s the result (Charley supervises while Namo sleeps peacefully in the background)…

In the pile are 46 items I’m giving away and that does NOT include the tattered clothes I’m throwing out. 46 items I haven’t used in months (and in some cases years) have been energetically and physically clogging up my personal space. Time to make some changes.

The book that taught me how to declutter is Marie Kondo’s international bestseller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It’s genius and here’s why….

“A dramatic reorganization of the home causes correspondingly dramatic changes in lifestyle and perspective. It is life transforming.”

The whole point in decluttering, is to be happy.

She encourages us to “Imagine yourself living in a space that contains only things that spark joy. Isn’t this the lifestyle you dreamed of?”

Yes, Marie, it is.

It’s simple and here’s her process…

1. Visual your ideal lifestyle and WHY you want to feel that way

I recently saw the movie Minimalism and it lit a fire under me to get rid of things I don’t need. My motto for 2017 is SIMPLICITY.

For me, simplicity equals less stress and more time to enjoy the things I want to be doing.

It drives me crazy not being able to find things because I have too much clutter to rummage through. It’s an unnecessary stress and costs me valuable time and energy searching for things.

What is your ideal lifestyle? Is it to live in a peaceful environment which allows space for your creativity? Is it to have an organized home so you can spend more time with your family? Decide why it’s important for you to declutter and it will give you the boost of energy to see it through.

2. Gather ALL your clothes.

First, gather all your clothing in the house and put in a pile on the floor. Make sure you have emptied every drawer and closet. Leave no dresser drawer unopened.

3. Pick up each item and ask “Does this Spark Joy?”

If it does, keep it. If it does not, dispose of it. Marie advises, “When you touch a piece of clothing, your body reacts.”

When I picked up each piece I noticed some clothes felt tattered and limp, long past their expiration date. I also had various jeans that didn’t fit yet my ego wanted to hang onto them in the hope that I’d squeeze into them again someday.

However, the feeling of “someday” does not bring me joy, so they got tossed into the donate pile.

By the time I had neatly folded and put away the items to keep, I peered at the pile and realized how much I’d been keeping that doesn’t bring me joy. I had been holding onto things of my past that don’t accurately reflect who I am today. Reality check.

Today I woke up feeling energetically lighter, more spacious, and grateful to be donating items to places that can use them. I’m on a roll and next is the kitchen…

What about you? Are you holding onto stuff that takes up space but doesn’t bring you joy? Have you experienced the elation that comes from decluttering?

I’d love to hear your experience, share in the comments below.

Giddy up, and tidy up,

Devon

It’s my birthday and here’s what I’m doing

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Today is my 33rd birthday. I like the sound of “3-3″…I think those are lucky numbers so I’m going to go with it. One thing I want to do this year is to write more, and I’m beginning today. Kind of like making a commitment to go to the gym except I don’t need to go anywhere, I just need to sit with my laptop and click on the “add page” for a new blog post, instead of immediately checking emails or scrolling through Facebook (busted, I know…do you do it too?)

32 was a roller coaster year. I now know what it feels like to deeply love someone but not have that be enough to make a relationship work; to fall apart in front of friends and allow myself to be supported while I nurse my heartache; to uproot from where I live and work and be consumed by the fear of “what if I can’t make it” and “what if everything I’ve worked for fails”; and to take a leap and pitch my UNBRIDLED Retreat to a national magazine and invite their editor to attend and write about it.

It’s been a year, alright. The main takeaway I have from 32 is that change is scary but there are gifts in it.

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What I know for sure is that you couldn’t pay me to go back to my 20’s. My 20’s were riddled with fear of not being perfect and putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself to look and act in a certain way.

My 30’s have been much better and although challenging at times, I feel more settled in my skin and better attuned to listen to myself and what my soul wants, as opposed to listening to who I “should” be.

My soul is telling me to write and share more, even when it’s not perfect (ahhh, the ol’ ego still rears its head at that.)

I like this quote from one of my favorite books, The Write to Write, by Julia Cameron, “Taking the time to write how we feel helps us to know how we feel.”

Today, I feel hopeful for the new year ahead and I’m glad I made the commitment to write as opposed to procrastinating and making excuses.

After posting this, I’m going to change out of my fuzzy robe and treat myself to a shopping trip at Murdochs’s to get Bogs winter boots (I refuse to go through another winter wearing crappy boots while feeding horses with freezing feet). Then I’m going on a horseback ride with a friend, having a massage at Massage Heights (I booked 90 minutes! #selfcare), come back feed and all the critters, and then meet a friend for dinner.

A good birthday in my book.

Thanks for reading and I will continue to write and share more with you this year. Basically, I want to connect more and this is how my intuition is guiding me to do it. So stay tuned, and I hope you have a great Friday.

Off to Murdoch’s where I’ll try and not get distracted by all the pretty, shiny, horse buckets.

Older, bud-weiser,

Devon

From handcuffs to horses…my people-pleasing journey

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Chronic people-pleasing is a crime. It’s a crime against your soul, who you are, your unique gifts, purpose and message to share with the world.

By the time I was 21 years old, I was addicted to people-pleasing and external validation. I didn’t believe that I was good enough. Or smart enough. Or cool enough. Or attractive enough. Or lovable enough. So I manipulated my body, my behaviors and my personality so that I would be accepted, approved of and liked by everyone. I was always nice and said “yes” no matter what.

I did this at the cost of betraying my soul.

The people-pleasing road led to bulimia, blackout drunken nights, and self-loathing.

I was a shell of a person: I lost myself: in the midst of depression, I attempted to end my own life. I hit my rock bottom.

Friends and family were at a loss about how to help me, so my parents called the police.

I was handcuffed and escorted into a police car with neighbors gawking and tears in my parents’ eyes.

This was the wake-up call I needed to get real, start healing and take back my personal power, and quit committing crimes against myself.

From a hospital, to a psych ward, to a treatment center, to experiencing equine therapy and life coaching, my people-pleasing recovery journey went from handcuffs to healing through horses.

Horses ignored me during equine therapy if I attempted to be anything other than my authentic self. Horses only wanted to connect with me when I was being real, imperfections and all.

It was mind-opening and heart-opening.

Through working with horses and peeling back protective and inauthentic layers, I found the woman I was meant to be.

I began to accept, approve, like, and, yes, even love myself.

People-pleasing will cost you everything.

You are doing yourself and the world a disservice by saying “yes” to things when deep down your soul says “no.”

Especially as women, we need serious reframing around saying “no.”

Saying “no” to others doesn’t mean being a bitch, being selfish or being ungrateful.

It means we care about how we feel, and we value our precious time and energy.

It means we make choices based on what enhances our spirit versus what drains our spirit.

It means we proclaim that we can truly be there for others, only when we are there for ourselves first.

In a world of 7 billion people, not everyone is going to like you. Or accept you. Or approve of you. Or love you. And it’s okay.

In fact, it’s liberating to know and accept this because you will stop betraying your soul in an attempt to gain other’s fleeting acceptance and so-called stamp of approval.

Are you betraying yourself?

Awareness is key. Pay attention to the choices you make, and notice if they drain you mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

If your choices drain you, it’s a red flag. If you are fueled by your choices, you are feeding your soul and curing the “disease to please.”

Practice saying “no” in the mirror. When you say “no” to someone, use K.I.S.S., aka Keep It Short and Simple.

You will want to kiss yourself when you act on this because it feels empowering!

People pleasing

When you start saying “yes” to your soul, you take back your personal power. This is a practice and you begin to build an emotional muscle over time.

It could mean saying “no” to others. It could mean speaking up even when your voice shakes. It could mean sharing an opinion that goes against what your family/friends/co-workers/spouse thinks.

By pleasing yourself first, you start living the life you are born to live. Only then can you be of the highest value and service to the world and those around you.

When you break free of the chains of always being nice and relying on external validation to feel worthy and good enough, you take the reins of your life. And there is nothing more likable, attractive, and lovable than a woman who says “yes” to herself and “no” to what doesn’t resonate with her soul.

So don’t get handcuffed, get real.

Devon

P.S. If you want to learn how to say “YES” to yourself, join us at an Unbridled Retreat for Women. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO. 

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