Healing the Father Wound
Written by an anonymous member of the Unbridled community
I was four years old. I was there when my mom, unaware she was carrying twins, broke down in tears upon hearing the news. She was overjoyed but filled with uncertainty as she knew she would be raising three children without a loving partner.
My childhood was marked by a profound sense of loss and abandonment. My dad, who should have been a source of love and support, was mostly absent. He officially left while I was away visiting family on a summer trip. I was eight years old at the time. Looking back, it seems this was carefully planned as a way to avoid facing the consequences of his actions. But I was old enough to understand and feel pain when I found out I would see him every other weekend (pending availability). I was old enough to feel disappointed when he would stop by on Christmas morning instead of spending the day with us. He had other plans with the woman who replaced my mom.
I can’t even begin to understand the emotional toll this took on my mother as she shielded us from the harsh reality of his emotional detachment. I’d sometimes catch her crying when she thought no one was looking, even though she mostly tried to put on a brave face for her young children. I’m so grateful that my mom had and still has endless love and affection to give us.
My childhood led to a lifetime of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and low self-worth. I developed a strong need for validation, constantly seeking approval from others. To protect myself from further hurt, I built a wall around myself, keeping people at a distance to avoid potential abandonment and rejection. Witnessing my father’s infidelity eroded my trust in men. His betrayal left me questioning whether I would ever be able to find a loving partner I could trust. My long-term relationships were mostly plagued with doubt and suspicion.
In my early 40s, becoming a mother triggered a need to heal from the wounds of my past. I sought the help of therapists and a healer who guided me through powerful healing sessions, including one focused on my relationship with my dad. My healer and I meditated together and I experienced a breakthrough. For the first time in my life, I felt compassion for him. Tears streamed down my face as I felt a sense of peace. I understood that this was bigger than me.
I’ve come to realize that my father’s behavior was likely a result of his unresolved emotional issues. His avoidance tactics, such as workaholism, infidelity and possibly alcoholism, might have been attempts to cope with underlying pain or trauma. Maybe his own emotional neglect had been passed down from generation to generation. I realized that he might be living a life full of pain.
That said, I still find it difficult to have a relationship with him as he is still the same person as he was in my childhood but I make a point to see him because I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandfather.
The reality is that when my dad was growing up and had young children of his own, mental health wasn’t really a topic of discussion. Although I don’t think he’ll ever seek to heal, as a collective we’ve opened our eyes to mental health issues and the benefits of healing our trauma.
As a parent, I feel a deep responsibility to heal my own wounds so that I don’t pass them on to my kids. It’s a challenging journey, but I’m proud of the progress I’m making, for myself and for them. I’m trying my best to raise my sons by showing them love and that it’s ok to feel emotions, even when they’re hard to sit with. It’s ok to express them, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to not be ok.
Unresolved trauma will keep tapping us on the shoulder until we address it. It is only by facing our fears and emotions head-on that we can truly heal and break free from the cycle of pain.
While sharing my story is therapeutic, it’s also a way to offer hope to others who have experienced deep pain in their past. Healing is possible, even when it seems impossible. By seeking support, confronting our pain, and breaking free from the shackles of the past, we can forge a brighter future for ourselves and our families.
Anonymously yours,
B
PS – My mom is now married to a wonderful and kind man who treats her like gold. They’ve been together for over 30 years and are still madly in love!
Thank you for sharing. My parents divorced when I was 9. Alcohol and drugs were contributing factors. My Father got custody. I had two step mothers I didn’t get along with. Abuse there. I found my cowboy at age 14. I worked for a Vet grooming horses. We married at age 17. We raised cattle and Arabian horses. He was 4 yrs older. We were married 29 yrs. He died at age 50 from a blood clot. I had to sell our horses. I miss them every day and my way of life. I moved from Alaska to Az to be with 3 of my 4 adult children. I remarried 16 yrs ago. My husband has Parkinson’s. When he dies I want to get another horse to love. Unless of course I go first. I have horses in Heaven to meet me.
Hi Sandee, Thank you so much for your comment, I’m glad this resonated with you. I appreciate your willingness to share your story. Wonderful to hear that horses have been part of your journey.