At 7:06am I hear the clanking of heavy machinery outside my loft balcony and I know construction has begun.

When I hear the “beep, beep, beep” of bulldozers, I think of my ex-boyfriend Monte.

Monte was a construction foreman and a cattle rancher, but it was construction that gave him a steady paycheck and health insurance. He would get up at the crack of dawn and leave the house by 5:30am to be on the job site by 6:30am before his crew arrived.

I used to visit him for lunch and bring him a foot-long Subway sandwich and a giant ice tea with 4 sugar packets.

We’d pop open the hatchback of my SUV for a place to sit, eat our sandwiches, and talk about the morning. By 12:30pm, I’d worked with one coaching client for 2 hours while Monte had been running a crew of 20 guys for six hours.

Monte has an incredible work ethic. He can operate any piece of machinery and he’d often jump in the backhoe because he can do the job twice as efficiently compared to the guy driving it. He’d go full steam until 6pm, pick me up at the ranch, and we’d go eat sushi that he’d eat with a fork instead of chopsticks.

I know we weren’t meant to be together forever but I still think about him. I miss the way he used to ask me if I’d rather be in the mountains or the mall. He’d smile when I said “mountains,” and kiss me approvingly.

We used to watch my favorite show, Heartland, and after the first episode, he was hooked. He loves horses as much as I do. When we watched the episode where old cowboy “Jack” put his beloved horse down, we both sobbed and wiped our tears on his V-neck t-shirt. Monte was tough as nails in front of his construction crew but I got to see the softer side. The man with a heart of gold who loves deeply.

It’s funny how certain things remind us of past relationships. The “beep, beep, beeping” of construction, a Garth Brooks song on the radio, or seeing a foreman’s red truck on the highway. It can bring back a flood of memories.

People come and go in our lives to teach us different things.

Monte taught me how to trust and my heart felt safe with him. He wanted the softer side of Devon, and my tough, guarded ranch woman attitude began to crack. He was the first man I fully opened my heart to and allowed my walls to come down. We brought out the depth in each other and our relationship changed me.

Monte’s now ranching full time in Nevada and I’m in Denver listening to construction noises and reflecting on memories. Not pining for the past but I’m forever grateful for the chapter we shared.

“There’s always a reason why you meet people. Either you need to change your life or you’re the one that will change theirs.” – Angel Flonis Harefa

Thoughts on a Thursday morning,

Devon

Growing up, my mom used to tell me that quote and I’d roll my eyes.

Now, I realize how true it is.

Earlier this week, I was supposed to meet a blind date for coffee. This was a blind date I was excited about. His profile pictures looked great, his online messaging banter was witty and fun, and he used just the right amount of smile emojis without overdoing it.

Alas, when I sent him an online message confirming where to meet, I got no response.  I had just raced home from Walgreens after buying Instant Dry pink nail polish so I could wear my open toe wedge sandals. I turned my attention toward painting my toes, and tried not to worry about my date’s lack of response. An hour went by and still no answer.

My mind started to race. Had he met someone else (in the past 2 hours?) Had I said the wrong thing? Did he decide he didn’t like me? I’ll never know the answer.

As a slew of thoughts raced through my mind, I decided to get out of the house and take my main man, Namo, for a walk in the park. I took off my wedges (at least my freshly painted toes looked good), slipped into flip flops, put a baseball cap over my straightened date-ready hair, and headed out the door. I was not going to let this ruin my mood for too long.

Truth is, twinges of loneliness started to creep in as I stood alone in the house staring at the phone, waiting for a response. I needed to get out and be among people. Any people.

In the past, I would have raced for the refrigerator and downed whatever high-carb, high-sugar numbing food I could get my hands on to numb the sharp feelings of rejection, sadness, and disappointment. Now, I have well-practiced coping tools but still…I was hurt and a bit miffed.

Namo and I took a slow stroll through the park  and after a few minutes, we plopped down in the grass and watched people walk by. I was acutely aware of every couple holding hands although I’d never noticed it before. Kind of like buying a red car, and then seeing red cars everywhere.

Thank goodness for Namo. He sat by my side and I gently stroked the top of his head as I thought about his unconditional love. I don’t know where I’d be without animals in my life.

I’m glad we went for a walk and I didn’t let the thoughts of rejection consume me. I figured I had it handled.

Later that night I made myself dinner and zoned out while watching Scandal. After dinner, I sat on the couch with a belvita Soft Baked breakfast bar in my hand, and realized it’s not what I was hungry for.

I was hungry for someone to cuddle with, someone to cook with, and someone to laugh with. The breakfast bar in my hand wasn’t going to give me any of that. After unwrapping it, I took a deep breath, and threw it away.

As a recovered bulimic, I haven’t binged in years and it caught me by surprise that those subtle tendencies were rearing their head again. Then I remembered what my mom said, “Life is about how you react to what happens to you.” She is so right.

I’ve learned we don’t have control over other people but we DO have control over our thoughts, which lead to our behaviors.

By consciously choosing how to react, my loserville feelings passed and I reconnected to the truth of who I am. A woman who is courageously putting herself out there to meet a kind, reliable, loving man who doesn’t care if my toenails are painted or not.

Life is unpredictable AND we can choose how to react when things don’t happen the way we want them to.

I’d love to hear from you…how do you react to situations when they don’t turn out as you’d hoped? Post in the comments below!

Choosing my reaction,
Devon