Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about L.O.V.E. and questioning my old defiant attitude toward staying single.
Maybe it’s because it’s summer and everywhere I look I see couples outside, holding hands.
Maybe it’s because my friends are bringing along their boyfriends, fiances and husbands on our former “girls only” happy hours.
Maybe it’s because I’m listening to a lot of George Strait.
Maybe it’s because as I drive my truck down the romantic country backroads, I’m, well, alone.
Summer is the hardest season to be single (if you’re thinking you want something more).
Yesterday I went horseback riding with a new friend.
As we were going down the trail we were talking about how we are both single and big risk takers when it comes to certain things.
We have both been bungee jumping, lived abroad (she owns a home in El Salvador), we are independent, smart, capable women and yet, no mans.
We halfway joked that we take bold, adventurous risks in life yet when it comes to love, being vulnerable and letting our guard down, it scares the living daylights out of us.
We are petrified of being hurt, rejected and not approved of.
It’s old fear I’ve had forever. Putting my heart out there.
I’ve always enjoyed dating because I love meeting new people, having fun and going on new adventures.
Dating is very safe for me. It’s surface level and I don’t have to get too attached… if I’m not having fun anymore, I move on.
I don’t set myself up to get hurt, hence I stay safe. The other side of that coin is that deep down it can get pretty lonely.
The two times I fell hard and did let my guard down in relationships, the guys stampeded over my heart and rode away.
I was heartbroken. It hurt too much.
So I recoiled.
I became fiercely independent telling myself, well I’m never going to let THAT happen again, huff! (Arms crossed, heart covered.)
Yikes. Now at age 30, I know that’s not the way I want to live the rest of my life.
With intimate love, there is risk of the unknown, failing, (succeeding!), being rejected, etc…all the factors I can fully embrace when it comes to my business and being an entrepreneur yet frightens me when it comes to being in a relationship.
No matter what happens in other areas of life, I know I can bounce back.
But when it comes to romantic love, I feel like a shy, awkward newbie.
Will I bounce back if my heart gets crushed again? The answer is I don’t know but I’m starting to TRUST that it’s worth the risk.
What I do know for sure is that I don’t want to continue my old pattern…avoiding intimacy, staying safe and keeping out the hurt which also keeps out the love.
It’s a double-edged sword. Walls can keep us “safe” but the cost is that it’s pretty lonely in there too.
I can’t control my heart. And that’s what scares me. But I’m willing (palms sweaty, butterflies in stomach, heart racing) to see where the ride takes me.
I know deep down that there’s a man out there who is a fit.
It’s up to me to open my heart, give my love and receive his love when we cross trails.
And that thought makes me soften my heart and smile on the inside.
I trust divine timing and what the Universe has in store.
“Girls like us go with the wind. We risk it all and if we fall, we risk it all again. We burn hot and we fall hard. Girls like us are are like the stars.” ~ Rebecca Folsom
If you are single and petrified of being hurt again, I want you to know you’re not alone. It is scary as hell to put our hearts out there again AND again.
I believe it’s worth the risk…that’s what my intuition tells me and that’s ultimately my guide. Can’t ignore it these days, it seems to be getting louder.
In the meantime, please don’t close down forever…tend to your past wounds, heal your beautiful heart (horses are the BEST at helping us with this btw!) and mount up again my friend. We never know who’s out there on the trail waiting for us.
Keep me posted and I’ll do the same for you.
Here’s to driving down country roads with a special someone at our side,