Grieving the loss of my relationship

/in /by

I currently have my laptop on my right and The Right to Write by Julia Cameron, on my left. I also have my phone playing Tim Wheater’s flute music which the book suggests. I know two things for sure in this moment: number one, I feel called to write and number two, I’m stuck on what to write about. There are a few significant topics in my life right now and I’m scared to write about them. The biggest topic that keeps coming up and brings tears to my eyes in this moment, is my recent breakup.

It jolts me when I think too long and hard about it. The loss of a wonderful man in my life. The loss of our dreams together. The pain and ache in my heart that hits when I think about the memories we shared. The gut-wrenching feeling before I open my eyes in the morning, knowing he’s not there.

The grief is raw and the tears come in waves.

For the first time in my life, when someone says. “How are you doing?”, I don’t answer “Fine” or “Good.”  Instead, tears start to leak before words come out. My body won’t let me hide the truth.

I can’t deny how I feel and my vulnerability defenses are down.

My mantra fluctuates multiple times a day between “You’re going be ok” to “God, please help me.” I have wailed into Blue’s mane. I have screamed in my car. I have beaten and sobbed into pillows.

It feels messy and cleansing at the same time…allowing my heart to ache and express itself. I’m not shoving down the feelings I don’t want to face like I have in the past.

What I am learning is to let grief move through me. To not resist it or put an expiration date on sadness.

I’m not in the place of “getting over it”, nor is it time to move on. It is time to honor and mourn the heart-opening love I experienced. Grief is teaching me to listen to my heart and what it needs. I know “Strong Devon” and in recent years I’ve gotten to know “Soft Devon” but “Openly Sad and Hurting Devon” is a new one for me. Allowing my sadness to be heard, seen, and acknowledged is what my heart needs to heal.

By writing about it, I no longer feel stuck. I feel open and connected.

light through

“Grief is a matter of the heart and soul. Grieve your loss, allow it in, and spend time with it. Suffering is the optional part. Love never dies and spirit knows no loss. Keep in mind that a broken heart is an open heart.” – Lousie Hay

Allowing it in,

Devon

He had me at howdy…my FarmersOnly.com date

/in /by

You’ve seen the commercial….

Scenes of a couple holding hands while horseback riding into the sunset, snuggling by the campfire together and staring up at the stars in the bed of a pickup truck.

These picturesque scenarios spoke right to my heart and said, “You too, can have all this…at FarmersOnly.com.”

So, being single in the country, I signed up for the online rural dating site and submitted my profile.

Side note: Although the site is called FarmersOnly.com, it is for anyone who enjoys the country lifestyle such as cowboys, cowgirls, ranchers and other animal loving, outdoorsy folk. I checked to see if there was a singlecowboys.com, no such luck.

As I scrolled through profiles pictures of single guys, I noticed majority of the pics included an animal or some kind of machinery.

A guy with his truck. Or tractor. Or a guy with his dog. Or horse. Or the ultimate…a guy with a horse and a dog.

In no time, I came across a certain profile pic that stopped me mid-scroll.

It was a guy in a cowboy hat holding the lead ropes of three beautiful horses and two cute dogs sitting at his feet. PERFECT.

My mind quickly jumped to merging our furry  families and I pictured our future together, complete with my dog and two horses. Our Christmas card would be adorable.

Without delay, I clicked on his profile. Mutual virtual winks were exchanged followed by emails over the next few days. There was country chemistry, so we decided to meet in person.

farmersonly

We decided to meet at his ranch because it’s a well known property that’s open to the public so I felt safe. Plus, I trust my intuition and I had a good feeling about this guy.

I pulled up to the ranch place and my jaw dropped. Gorgeous white fences, pristine paddocks and a tree lined driveway…he had quite the spread.

As soon as I saw his four-door dually pull up to the main gate, I knew I was in trouble. How did he know I have a thing for duallys? My heart started to race.

Feeling nervous and excited, I took a deep breath.

He got out of his truck, flashed a big smile and we exchanged greetings. I was blushing. He had me at “howdy”.

From the Stetson hat to the Wrangler jeans, he looked just like his online pictures. This was a good thing.

He took me on a tour of the ranch and right off the bat he showed me his indoor arena…it was HUGE. I swooned, I couldn’t help myself, the footing was perfect! Fantasies of horseback riding together began to canter though my head.

To seal the deal, he walked me to the back pastures and showed me his ten foals.

Most of them were four to six weeks old. My heart went pitter-patter and a warm fuzzy feeling took over. The foal goggles officially kicked in. This guy was good. Talk about a way to win a horsewoman over…showing her foals on a first date! He knew exactly what he was doing.

We then ventured to the local watering hole where we played horseshoes outside while sipping Coors Light.

Our conversation included typical date topics such as, “Ford or Chevy?”, “Does your horse do flying lead changes?”, “What rodeos did you go to this year?”

Then it got personal such as, “Who’s your farrier and which vet do you use?”

As the evening winded down, he tipped back his hat, smiled and asked when he could see me again.

It was a match made in rural heaven.

We proceeded to go out a few more times although it soon became clear that we were headed down different trails in life. We eventually rode our separate ways which was for the best.

I thank FarmersOnly.com for expanding my horizons and giving me hope. Living in the country is a unique lifestyle and I’m keeping my heels down, eyes up and heart open for someone to share it with.

How about you, have you ever tried an online “niche” dating site? What was your experience? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below…

Country Juliet seeking horseback riding Romeo,

Devon

 

WANTED: Intimate love, holding hands and long country drives

/in /by

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about L.O.V.E. and questioning my old defiant attitude toward staying single.

Maybe it’s because it’s summer and everywhere I look I see couples outside, holding hands.

Maybe it’s because my friends are bringing along their boyfriends, fiances and husbands on our former “girls only” happy hours.

Maybe it’s because I’m listening to a lot of George Strait.

Maybe it’s because as I drive my truck down the romantic country backroads, I’m, well, alone.

Summer is the hardest season to be single (if you’re thinking you want something more).

Yesterday I went horseback riding with a new friend.

As we were going down the trail we were talking about how we are both single and big risk takers when it comes to certain things.

We have both been bungee jumping, lived abroad (she owns a home in El Salvador), we are independent, smart, capable women and yet, no mans.

We halfway joked that we take bold, adventurous risks in life yet when it comes to love, being vulnerable and letting our guard down, it scares the living daylights out of us.

We are petrified of being hurt, rejected and not approved of.

It’s old fear I’ve had forever. Putting my heart out there.

I’ve always enjoyed dating because I love meeting new people, having fun and going on new adventures.

Dating is very safe for me. It’s surface level and I don’t have to get too attached… if I’m not having fun anymore, I move on.

I don’t set myself up to get hurt, hence I stay safe. The other side of that coin is that deep down it can get pretty lonely.

The two times I fell hard and did let my guard down in relationships, the guys stampeded over my heart and rode away.

I was heartbroken. It hurt too much.

So I recoiled.

I became fiercely independent telling myself, well I’m never going to let THAT happen again, huff! (Arms crossed, heart covered.)

Yikes. Now at age 30, I know that’s not the way I want to live the rest of my life.

With intimate love, there is risk of the unknown, failing, (succeeding!), being rejected, etc…all the factors I can fully embrace when it comes to my business and being an entrepreneur yet frightens me when it comes to being in a relationship.

No matter what happens in other areas of life, I know I can bounce back.

But when it comes to romantic  love, I feel like a shy, awkward newbie.

Will I bounce back if my heart gets crushed again? The answer is I don’t know but I’m starting to TRUST that it’s worth the risk.

What I do know for sure is that I don’t want to continue my old pattern…avoiding intimacy, staying safe and keeping out the hurt which also keeps out the love.

It’s a double-edged sword. Walls can keep us “safe” but the cost is that it’s pretty lonely in there too.

I can’t control my heart. And that’s what scares me. But I’m willing (palms sweaty, butterflies in stomach, heart racing) to see where the ride takes me.

I know deep down that there’s a man out there who is a fit.

It’s up to me to open my heart, give my love and receive his love when we cross trails.

And that thought makes me soften my heart and smile on the inside.

I trust divine timing and what the Universe has in store.

country love 1

“Girls like us go with the wind. We risk it all and if we fall, we risk it all again. We burn hot and we fall hard. Girls like us are are like the stars.” ~ Rebecca Folsom

If you are single and petrified of being hurt again, I want you to know you’re not alone. It is scary as hell to put our hearts out there again AND again.

I believe it’s worth the risk…that’s what my intuition tells me and that’s ultimately my guide. Can’t ignore it these days, it seems to be getting louder.

In the meantime, please don’t close down forever…tend to your past wounds, heal your beautiful heart (horses are the BEST at helping us with this btw!) and mount up again my friend. We never know who’s out there on the trail waiting for us.

Keep me posted and I’ll do the same for you.

Here’s to driving down country roads with a special someone at our side,

Devon

My Match.com Intervention

/in /by

I recently had an intervention from an obsession that crept up on me so fast, it hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally felt the reality of it.

Being single for a while, and frankly, just curious, I joined the online dating site, Match.com. I took my time, finding the “best” pictures I had of myself, which I hoped portrayed me as an ideal date for the right guy: Sporty Devon (wake boarding pic), Outdoorsy Devon (hiking pic), Glamorous Devon (in a dress pic), Animal Lover Devon (grooming a horse pic) and Family-Oriented Devon (holiday family pic). With the picture sections completed, I moved on and filled out my profile. After describing myself in 400 words or less, I had to answer questions such as “What do you do for fun?” “Do you want kids?” “What color eyes are you looking for in a man?” and more.

Once I filled in the blanks, I hit the “Confirm Profile” button and took a deep breath. My profile was now exposed to a ton of strangers, and although my name and contact info remained anonymous, I felt vulnerable and excited–like a nervous teenager waiting for a boy to call.

Pre intervention

(Here’s me in a neurotic state, pre-intervention)

What started out as fun, however, soon became an obsession. I found myself checking the damn site every hour on the hour to see who had viewed me and if I had received any virtual winks (no joke) or emails from potential dates. My days became a highway of emotions with Match.com driving the bus. My heart would leap with excitement when I’d get winked out by skiCO4998 and then I’d feel grumpy and rejected if doglvr77 didn’t respond to my email.

I had completely allowed this external force to dictate my moods and how I felt about myself. For a woman who prides herself on being independent and grounded, with a healthy self-esteem, I almost didn’t recognize me once I’d become part of the Match.com community. Instead of being confident in who I am and what I have to offer, I questioned everything about myself. I wondered if I looked good enough, seemed smart enough, or appeared social enough (without looking too much like a party girl of course!)

ENOUGH! A close family member confronted me and declared an intervention. She had picked up on my fluctuating moods and called me out on what I had been feeling and denying to admit–that I’d become stressed out and neurotic. She encouraged me to only check my Match.com emails a few times a week.

Immediately after her comment, I balked and felt huge resistance rise up in my body. OMG, I was obsessed with this site! I felt like she was tearing candy away from me and I wasn’t eager to give up this “high.” That was it–my body told my everything I needed to know. My stomach felt tense, my head felt nauseous and my cheeks immediately flushed at the thought of giving this up. And that was my wakeup call! My body always tells me when I’m off–when I’m not paying attention to my intuition and what will serve me best.

With my family member on the phone, I took a deep breath and hit the “Deactivated Profile” button on the computer screen. I promptly closed my laptop, thanked my family member for her support and went outside to take my dog for a walk. Time to get back to my life and the truth of who I am! Being in the fresh air, I felt lighter and more clear-headed. I took deep breaths and smiled to myself at how goofy I had become in the past week over online dating. My inner strength returned as I walked away from the computer screen. Most importantly, I felt a wave of compassion for myself. I want to love, be loved and find a romantic partner, and I trust the universe will hook me up in a way that doesn’t involve neurosis.

Post intervention

(Here I am in a grounded, centered state, post-intervention)

With support, self-compassion and self-awareness (thanks to an intervention in this case) I took action on what no longer served me.

What external force controls your emotions and moods on a daily basis? What does your body have to say about it? I’d love to hear your comments and what helps you when external forces dictate how you feel.

Here’s to self-compassion,

Devon