Grieving the loss of my relationship
I currently have my laptop on my right and The Right to Write by Julia Cameron, on my left. I also have my phone playing Tim Wheater’s flute music which the book suggests. I know two things for sure in this moment: number one, I feel called to write and number two, I’m stuck on what to write about. There are a few significant topics in my life right now and I’m scared to write about them. The biggest topic that keeps coming up and brings tears to my eyes in this moment, is my recent breakup.
It jolts me when I think too long and hard about it. The loss of a wonderful man in my life. The loss of our dreams together. The pain and ache in my heart that hits when I think about the memories we shared. The gut-wrenching feeling before I open my eyes in the morning, knowing he’s not there.
The grief is raw and the tears come in waves.
For the first time in my life, when someone says. “How are you doing?”, I don’t answer “Fine” or “Good.” Instead, tears start to leak before words come out. My body won’t let me hide the truth.
I can’t deny how I feel and my vulnerability defenses are down.
My mantra fluctuates multiple times a day between “You’re going be ok” to “God, please help me.” I have wailed into Blue’s mane. I have screamed in my car. I have beaten and sobbed into pillows.
It feels messy and cleansing at the same time…allowing my heart to ache and express itself. I’m not shoving down the feelings I don’t want to face like I have in the past.
What I am learning is to let grief move through me. To not resist it or put an expiration date on sadness.
I’m not in the place of “getting over it”, nor is it time to move on. It is time to honor and mourn the heart-opening love I experienced. Grief is teaching me to listen to my heart and what it needs. I know “Strong Devon” and in recent years I’ve gotten to know “Soft Devon” but “Openly Sad and Hurting Devon” is a new one for me. Allowing my sadness to be heard, seen, and acknowledged is what my heart needs to heal.
By writing about it, I no longer feel stuck. I feel open and connected.
“Grief is a matter of the heart and soul. Grieve your loss, allow it in, and spend time with it. Suffering is the optional part. Love never dies and spirit knows no loss. Keep in mind that a broken heart is an open heart.” – Lousie Hay
Allowing it in,
Wish I could remember what I said exactly the first time I left a message but I know what I want to say. Good for you letting the grief surface and going through it. I could see you were doing that when we were talking on the boat. That is some hard work to do and I admire the strength you have to do it. Also the willingness you have to do it. That makes the work you do even more authentic as you are doing what you tell your clients to do. You know what you are doing. In your post you said sometimes you say “Got help me”. I am glad you ask God for help. I do it all the time and find comfort in believing he is always with me through everything at all times. Took me awhile to get to that point. I believe that the most help I can be to you through this is to pray for peace of mind for you. That is what I have been doing and will continue to do. I don’t know that you believe in prayer but I do and maybe just yourknowing that I am doing what I believe can help you can somehow be a comfort to you. Sorry it hurts so much right now. Praying for your peace of mind and loving you.
Delora, I appreciate your comment and for always being there for me and especially most recently. I have been praying and meditating and it has helped bring me peace. It’s not always easy but I do try to “walk the talk” of processing tough emotions like the horses and I help do with clients, and I appreciate you recognizing that. I love you and thank you for your prayers.
Having just read your post, I’m moved with compassion…by your open, honest and raw expression of loss. I don’t know details, nor do I ‘know’ you well, but what I admire and feel drawn to is how authentic you are at one of the most vulnerable times in your adult life…
What you shared touched my humanity and memories of lonely/aching experiences of loss too, it woke up compassion and respect for you.
The constant balancing of ‘risk’ and ‘fragility’, knowing pain is inevitable, has most people not reaching beyond their comfort zone. Not you! YOU follow your heart, facing challenges and unknown opportunities with courage!
As a therapist told me years ago, to the depths we feel pain matches the depth of joy we will be capable of experiencing.
How do you start over with living when this love has changed who you are? I’m guessing the part of you that risked dating him, and investing in the unknown, is the same spirit that is holding you now. Hugs to you…
Donna, thank you for reading and for sharing…it sounds like you resonate with similar emotions from your past. I love what you shared and especially, “the depths we feel pain matches the depth of joy we will be capable of experiencing.” I will keep that with me as a reminder. This love has changed me and a new, deeper part of me is emerging that I can’t deny or hide. It’s scary but necessary and definitely outside my comfort zone. I appreciate your insight, thoughtfulness and support.
Your courage and power to share this loss, collectively sends out a healing cyclone for all of us. Because most of us have stood right in the center of what you speak about. That sadness and grief have their own tributaries that we travel along not only to heal, but to grow in depth and compassion for ourselves and others is fact. Every break up I’ve experienced has boomeranged me back to a greater need and ability for love of self. Romantic love is not the power house love Hollywood would have us believe. It is when people get beyond romantic-sexual-physical love and can actually put another person first, or see their talents and short comings as part of the whole picture of their loveability, that real love begins to emerge. I am so happy to see you are loving yourself, and that means allowing and accepting your responses to pain. To know it is a process. And not enough women write about this. Ordinarily, we internalize shame. It’s something inadequate about us that caused this man to depart. This is never true. Never. What has always been my experience is that my spirit and soul were always too expansive and wildish for the person I was courting, or married to…. It was no longer a good match. Taking care of myself meant moving away from that relationship. I only see that in hind sight. At the time, all I knew is this hurts so bad, I was desperate to escape the pain. I never knew processes like the one you’re writing about. Imagine how many woman you will touch, lift, enlighten, and love through the journey you’re writing about. So they don’t have to self-destruct, or shut down from pain. You are here as a healer. Your soul’s mission is so great. You just keep walking and talking like you’re doing, and it will all become clear. And you will forge a path that will bring a love much greater than you could have ever imagined. And it will come from the inside of you through a divine source. You will know a love so great that is not dependent on external sources. It’s been a long road for me, but I know that kind of love now. Have always been a huge fan of yours, but your courage provokes even more admiration.