How to not be so hard on yourself
The last few days have been weird.
A flashback into my past.
I stayed at my parents house for a few nights taking care of their dogs, koi fish and bullfrog (I clearly hail from a family of animal fanatics) while they are out of town.
It felt strange being in the childhood home I grew up in.
The energy of the house took me right back to my teenage years.
Sharp memories of lurking in the kitchen and binging on all the sweets and carbs I could get my hands on, cutting off my long hair in the downstairs bathroom, and trying to overdose on pills in my bedroom to end the self-hatred I had at the time.
I was a handful to say the least.
I’ve grown up and changed A LOT since then.
Yet an old part of me was still triggered being in that kitchen again. With every opportunity to binge my face off.
It had been years since I felt triggered like that.
And I still remember the exact pattern if I choose to “go there.”
I will feel a high, then relief, then numbness, then disgust, then shame, then panic and extreme anxiety which leads to more crazy and irrational behavior to get rid of what I just ate.
It’s a slippery slope indeed.
The good news is I have gained traction (aka self-awareness and self-esteem) in the past 10 years.
Through a sh*&-ton of therapy, life coaching and ongoing personal development work, I know my triggers like the back of my hand.
When I feel binge-y I know I need to channel that energy into something else asap.
So I got in the car and went to a nearby place that helps settles my frantic energy; a place that helps me chill and see the big picture of life; a place where I can lose myself for a bit in a healthy way.
Yep, I took my triggered self to the Museum of Nature and Science and an IMAX movie that looked interesting. Then I mosied around the exhibits like a kid on a field trip.
Afterward, I went to the grocery store and bought food that makes me feel good, which my body does well on.
Whew, I felt like myself again. My 30-year old self. Not my 20-year old self who rears her head once in a blue moon.
Ten years ago I didn’t have the life experience, body awareness, or self-esteem to consciously decide and act upon choices that serve me vs. harm me in the long run.
Now I do. That is a big fu&*ing deal. Yet I forget how far I’ve come.
“Always concentrate on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” ~Unknown
It may not FEEL like you have come far but take a moment and reflect back on where you were 10 years ago.
I can guarantee that you are not the exact same person doing the exact same things.
If you were, you would not be drawn to this blog nor interested and immersed in your own self-discovery, spiritual awakening, healing process or whatever you want to call it.
BUT YOU ARE. And you’re here.
You might be beating yourself up for not being where you want to be. Trust me, I get it.
My inner critic still hounds on me, not so much for body stuff, but for business stuff and not being where I “should be” financially, blah, blah, blah.
But I’ve come a long way, baby. And I know you have too.
We don’t give ourselves enough credit.
No matter where you are today, you have overcome something. You have endured, survived and gotten through (I’m guessing MANY things) or you wouldn’t be here reading this.
Whether it was a turbulent childhood, an addiction, loss or traumatic event, YOU ARE HERE NOW. Still showing up for life.
That speaks volumes in my book and sends a big ol’ message to the universe.
“Your past does NOT equal your future.” ~Tony Robbins
Amen, Tony Robbins and this is SO true.
You have changed more than you realize and built internal muscles of perseverance.
Take a moment to reflect back on what you were doing 5 or 10 years ago?
What comes to mind that perhaps you haven’t thought about in awhile or really given yourself credit for?
I’d love to hear in the comments below what you have overcome or how you’ve changed since then.
You are an inspiration already. Know that.
Here’s to self-compassion, living AND learning,
Loving this post, Devon. Love that line “built internal muscles of perseverance”. Strengthening your physical core is important but man, that internal core is so so so important and the moment we stop paying attention to it we can really lose ourselves in destructive tendencies.
Thanks for your beautiful feedback Kyla and I love what you share about the “internal core”…true dat and well said my friend! So important and yep, awareness is the KEY! xoxo
Absolutely, me too, SO loving and grateful for this post. Inspiring me to further ‘overcome’ my long tendency to shrink from and avoid life, and instead turn toward opening to it. Thanks for that, Devon!
I love your eloquent response and the image of you turning toward life and opening to it…I imagine a brilliant sunflower opening to sun. That sunflower is YOU. Thank you for reading the post and for your lovely insights:)