Chronic people-pleasing is a crime. It’s a crime against your soul, who you are, your unique gifts, purpose and message to share with the world.

By the time I was 21 years old, I was addicted to people-pleasing and external validation. I didn’t believe that I was good enough. Or smart enough. Or cool enough. Or attractive enough. Or lovable enough. So I manipulated my body, my behaviors and my personality so that I would be accepted, approved of and liked by everyone. I was always nice and said “yes” no matter what.

I did this at the cost of betraying my soul.

The people-pleasing road led to bulimia, blackout drunken nights, and self-loathing.

I was a shell of a person: I lost myself: in the midst of depression, I attempted to end my own life. I hit my rock bottom.

Friends and family were at a loss about how to help me, so my parents called the police.

I was handcuffed and escorted into a police car with neighbors gawking and tears in my parents’ eyes.

This was the wake-up call I needed to get real, start healing and take back my personal power, and quit committing crimes against myself.

From a hospital, to a psych ward, to a treatment center, to experiencing equine therapy and life coaching, my people-pleasing recovery journey went from handcuffs to healing through horses.

Horses ignored me during equine therapy if I attempted to be anything other than my authentic self. Horses only wanted to connect with me when I was being real, imperfections and all.

It was mind-opening and heart-opening.

Through working with horses and peeling back protective and inauthentic layers, I found the woman I was meant to be.

I began to accept, approve, like, and, yes, even love myself.

People-pleasing will cost you everything.

You are doing yourself and the world a disservice by saying “yes” to things when deep down your soul says “no.”

Especially as women, we need serious reframing around saying “no.”

Saying “no” to others doesn’t mean being a bitch, being selfish or being ungrateful.

It means we care about how we feel, and we value our precious time and energy.

It means we make choices based on what enhances our spirit versus what drains our spirit.

It means we proclaim that we can truly be there for others, only when we are there for ourselves first.

In a world of 7 billion people, not everyone is going to like you. Or accept you. Or approve of you. Or love you. And it’s okay.

In fact, it’s liberating to know and accept this because you will stop betraying your soul in an attempt to gain other’s fleeting acceptance and so-called stamp of approval.

Are you betraying yourself?

Awareness is key. Pay attention to the choices you make, and notice if they drain you mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

If your choices drain you, it’s a red flag. If you are fueled by your choices, you are feeding your soul and curing the “disease to please.”

Practice saying “no” in the mirror. When you say “no” to someone, use K.I.S.S., aka Keep It Short and Simple.

When you start saying “yes” to your soul, you take back your personal power. This is a practice and you begin to build an emotional muscle over time.

It could mean saying “no” to others. It could mean speaking up even when your voice shakes. It could mean sharing an opinion that goes against what your family/friends/co-workers/spouse thinks.

By pleasing yourself first, you start living the life you are born to live. Only then can you be of the highest value and service to the world and those around you.

When you break free of the chains of always being nice and relying on external validation to feel worthy and good enough, you take the reins of your life. And there is nothing more likable, attractive, and lovable than a woman who says “yes” to herself and “no” to what doesn’t resonate with her soul.

So don’t get handcuffed, get real!

Devon

P.S. If you want to learn how to say “YES” to yourself, join us at the RETURN TO THE REAL YOU RETREAT in Montana on August 12th – 16th, 2018. Save $400 when you reserve a spot by May 31st! Click here for all the details.

P.S.S. Please share this post if you know someone who can benefit.

Recently I stayed at Canyon Ranch…a world renowned healing and wellness resort in Tucson, Arizona. I got my boots shined at the airport, then flew down to meet about a position to create and run their equine retreats for 2018.

It was a dream come true.

During my meeting, I sat at the head of a conference table surrounded by a doctor, executive director, and leading therapist for the wellness program. In the formal setting, I felt myself go into “realtor” mode, like I was at a listing presentation and trying to impress people. With my hands crossed, I spoke in a serious tone and tried to sound brilliant and official.

I was caught in an old habit of trying to be someone I’m not. This stems from not feeling good enough, worthy enough, or smart enough.

I was well-prepared presenting my material but my body was stiff and tight. My face hurt from trying NOT to smile, thinking that would make me appear unprofessional. As I left the meeting, I felt physically exhausted like I had been carrying 50 pound dumbbells of inauthenticity.

It’s hard work trying to be someone you’re not and that’s exactly how I used to live my life 27/7 in college and working in real estate. The old habit had crept back in and I was painfully aware of it.

Prior to my meeting, I had seen in the Canyon Ranch brochure that there was a walking meditation labyrinth, amongst the hundreds of other incredible healing modalities.

I headed outside the building and asked a staff member driving around in a golf cart where the labyrinth was. He pointed down the pavement that turned into a dirt road and said, “About half a mile.”

Setting off at a brisk pace, I quickly came across the labyrinth sign. I exhaled a deep sign of gratitude. There’s nothing I love more than a good labyrinth walk, especially after a self-imposed stressful meeting.

I entered the labyrinth, repeating the mantra I should have practiced pre-meeting but none-the-less, it was coming to me now: You are enough, you know enough. You are enough, you know enough. I also added a new line: You are worthy.

With each mindful step on the rock-lined path, I repeated out loud “You are enough, you know enough, and you are worthy.” My body began to relax and I reconnected to the truth of why I was here.

I was offered this opportunity to share the healing gifts and coaching skills I have honed the past 7 years. The Universe was telling me it was time to take my equine coaching work to the next level, and in spite of my comfort zone-oriented ego, I was ready for it.

The next morning, I took advantage of a few Canyon Ranch offerings and attended a powerful meditation class followed by a lecture on the “Importance of Deep Sleep”. I loved the authentic styles of the presenters; open, smiling, friendly, relatable, and extremely well-versed in their topics.

My self-doubt dissipated and I was bubbling with excitement of why I came here in the first place…to share my expertise and create a top notch equine program for Canyon Ranch guests to experience the healing power of horses. I felt renewed faith in myself and a deep sense of gratitude replaced my fear. 

The meeting the next day went much better…100% contributed to the fact I gave myself permission to be ME and I stopped trying to be someone I’m not. I was smiling and relaxed. I was asking people about themselves and cracking horse jokes. I even had the head therapist saying “yeeehaaw” by the end of our meeting.

Being myself sealed the deal because I’m now going to be Canyon Ranch’s equine retreat facilitator for 2018, WOOT, WOOT! My home base will continue to be Colorado and I’ll be traveling to Arizona to lead their retreats.

The biggest lesson is that we are enough just as we are. When we try to be someone else, we lose. It was a reminder that stuffy, uptight Devon isn’t my gift. It’s not what people are looking for. And if they are, we are never going to be a good fit!

Being yourself is the key and it’s a relief to know AND trust that.

I’d love to hear from you…where in your life to can you relax more and be the REAL you? It’s a huge gift to yourself and to the world.

I am enough, I know enough, and I am worthy,

Devon