From Self-Loathing to Self-Compassion…Top 5 Tips to Healing

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Twelve years ago I was in Tucson, Arizona as a patient at a holistic eating disorder treatment center called Mirasol. I had hit rock bottom and was in the throes of self-loathing, addiction, and numbness. 

Recently I returned to Tucson, Arizona and it was for a different reason…to lead UNBRIDLED, a holistic healing retreat at White Stallion Ranch, not far from Mirasol.

It was a full circle experience. What made the Tucson trip even more symbolic was visiting Marla Kuhn of Blue Horse Medicine.

Marla was my equine therapist at Mirasol and she and her horse Jack, turned my world right side up when I experienced equine therapy for the first time. To read the full story, CLICK HERE.

Mirasol was the start of my healing journey which led me down the trail of where I am today.

I have learned a lot in the past twelve years and here are the top 5 lessons that changed my life…

1. The only way out is through.

Take it from a pro, I tried every escape and numbing technique in the book to avoid feeling pain, including moving across the world to New Zealand. Problem is, wherever we go, we take ourselves.

I stuffed down and purged away my feelings through food and did whatever I could to numb out my self-loathing. It wasn’t until I faced my inner demons head on in a safe, supportive and therapeutic environment, that I was able to release fears and tears that had been bottled up most of my life.

It’s not our pain that ultimately harms up, it’s suppressing it that does.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi

2. The most important journey of your lifetime, is the journey within.

Before Mirasol, I had never heard of self-discovery or emotional healing. At first, I’ll admit, I was skeptical. Sharing feelings and talking about emotions seemed flaky and was what I perceived as “weak”, which I’d do ANYTHING to avoid.

It wasn’t until I experienced equine therapy, acupuncture, yoga, reiki, inner child work and family therapy, that I got it. Getting to know myself on a whole new level was life changing and it gave me insight to WHY I struggled with certain things. I developed self-compassion and my hard edges began to soften.

The better relationship you have with yourself, the better relationship you will have with others and the world around you.

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself.” ~ Alan Alda

3. Forgiveness is the name of the game

My bottled up emotions were closely tied to not being able to forgive myself and others for events of the past. It was a constant tug of war between blaming myself and other people.

Through the self-discovery process and practicing self-compassion, I was slowly able to ease up on the hold of resentment and regret. The more I practiced forgiveness and letting go, the more inner peace I felt.

When you can forgive yourself and others, you are free.

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~ Paul Boese

 4. You are not alone in your struggles

For years I felt desperately alone in my struggles. I thought something was wrong with me and I was convinced everyone else “had it together”.

It wasn’t until Mirasol, that I had ever sat in a group of women who openly shared their struggles. It was mind-blowing to witness such vulnerability and to realize that I was not alone. Through hearing other people’s stories and by speaking up in the group, my shame began to vaporize.

We are not alone in our struggle and it’s important to find non-judgmental environments where we feel safe to share ALL of who we are.

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” Brene Brown

5. Connect to something outside yourself which fuels you

My world was very small when it was only about me, myself and I. I felt little connection to the outside world when I was stuck in my head all day. When I began to connect to things that fueled my spirit, my soul came alive.

My connection touchstones are spirituality, nature, horses, and being of service. When I’m engaged with any of these things (or all together at once, my holy grail), I feel energized and connected to the world at large. For you, it could be family, sports, music, faith, volunteering, creativity or a combination of many things.

Connecting to something outside of yourself which fuels you, expands your world and gives you meaning and purpose.

“We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there too.” ~ Kristin Martz

So there it is…a girl who once hated herself and shunned her feelings is now a woman partnering with horses to lead others down the trail of self-discovery.

From the holistic treatment center to leading a holistic retreat, it has been a full circle experience. Twelve years ago I never would have imagined where I’d be today. And most importantly, who I’d become.

You can’t always see where the trail leads and that’s why it’s called a journey. A journey of discovering who you are and why you are here. 

No matter where you are, trust that it is for a reason. Our greatest gifts often come from our greatest struggles.

The horse-crazy, holistic healing cowgirl,

Devon

In honor of Sadie and what our beloved animals teach us

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I write this in honor of our beloved paint horse, friend and herd member, Sadie.

She was laid to rest in the green grass by her favorite west pasture, the one with the hill where she liked to stand and overlook the ranch.

sadie hill

My heart aches and the tears come in waves.

Sadie told us, in her own way, that her quality of life was no longer there. The longtime laminitis and arthritic medications and treatments were only helping so much…she was still in pain.

She could no longer walk or stand comfortably on four hooves, which is everything for a horse’s well-being.

Her human or “owner” as some would say, had to make the toughest decision there is when responsible for an older furry family member. The heartbreaking decision of when it’s time to cease their pain so they may be at peace.

Circled around Sadie, we shared our favorites memories and laughed and cried. I said my goodbye and the hardest part was looking into her eyes, stroking her mane and feeling her soft muzzle as she gently nibbled carrots out of my hand.

I had to look away as the vet compassionately went through the process.

After, I could tell she was at peace. The physical pain was gone. Her spirit had soared on. The other horses knew it too and so did the ranch dogs Namo and Layla, who sat quietly beside us.

Sadie had a huge heart and loved young people. She was very independent and taught people to do things their own way. To express themselves and not be afraid to stand out and be a “horse of a different color”, as she was. To always follow our heart and not the status quo.

She was a wonderful teacher, wise friend and beloved member of Beyond the Arena and Unbridled Retreats.

Through tears, I asked the vet “Why don’t we get more time with our animals? Why did nature set it up so animals live shorter lives than us?”

She looked at me with empathetic eyes and said “It’s because they teach us to live in the moment. To cherish everything we’ve got, right here, right now.”

She is right.

I don’t know where I’d be without animals in my life. Maybe you can relate.

Animals enrich our lives in so many ways. They effortlessly bring us joy and know when we are sad. No words are needed. They intuitively know. They sense our pain, our happiness and everything in between. They teach us about unconditional love, relationships, responsibility and play. They are our companions, friends and confidants.

I’m grateful for the sacred time I had with Sadie and to witness the difference she made in people’s lives. She especially loved teens and they loved her right back. Kindred spirits in every way. I weep when I think too much about the girls that I have yet to share this news with. She left hoofprints on many people’s hearts. She is and will forever be deeply missed.

In this moment, I’m overcome by how precious life truly is. That we’ve got to live and love as much as we can. To cherish those around us and let go of our petty worries and drama. Life is about being in the moment. Appreciating what we have here and now. That’s what Sadie taught me and was what she shared with every life she touched.

I feel raw, open, sad, loving. My heart goes out to everyone and everything. We are all connected; humans, animals, nature and beyond. We are not alone.

Have you ever had to say goodbye to a beloved animal? I don’t think there’s any way around the raw hurt of it. Only through it. Please share in the comments below if any of this resonates for you, it’d mean a lot to me to hear from you.

Devon

Want to instantly feel better? Try this…

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GRATITUDE.

This morning I was tossing and turning and got up at 3:12am and could not go back to sleep. It was because of a couple of things.

I was focused on feeling alone and not having a special someone to share my life with (a “lack of” thought).

I also believe and have experienced that NOTHING we want ever manifests if we come at it from a “lack” mentality.

So I don’t like to dwell there too long.

I also had lots on my mind from our Women’s Connection Group last night at the ranch.

Mostly around gratitude. It was a hot topic in the group.

Before the sun rose over the ranch, I got out of bed and did something about it.

I went over and hugged my dog Namo, who was contently sleeping on his dog bed.

He extended a paw out at me and took a deep breath and promptly went back to doggie dreaming. He warmed my heart and made me smile.

Then I went outside to look at the stars. Nature always leaves me in awe and gets me out of my “lack” thoughts. Especially a starry night.

More so, I feel connected to something beyond myself and I experience GRATITUDE.

“The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

When I focus on what I don’t have, I’m miserable. My energy plummets. My mood and thoughts can spiral down real fast if I allow it.

So I have to flip the switch. To gratitude. To what I DO have. To what’s right in front of me.

It raises my energy and mood instantly and put things into a new perspective.

The world looks a lot brighter through the lens of gratitude.

For me, gratitude saves the day, every time. I sometimes forget that I can always access it.

So I started to name things that always make me feel better.

I call them my “gratitude touchstones”.

Here are the two recent examples of my go-to gratitude touchstones:

This sweet face that I look over and see in his dog bed each morning aka Namo. My hearts bursts with gratitude for this dog and I squeeze him and tell him that every day.

gratitude 1

As it got a little lighter out, I snapped this pic. It’s the horses grazing in the crisp morning air, before the sun rises. Their peaceful presence touches the depths of my soul. #immensegratitude

horses yo

Animals and nature. Those are my two gratitude touchstones that never fail.

What helps you flip the switch to gratitude?

Is it a quote? Is it a picture of a calming image? Is it looking to the mountains? A piece of jewelry that holds meaning for you?

Or maybe it’s a literal “Gratitude” stone like the ones we had in the arena last night for our Women’s Connection Group. Stones are awesome because they carry lots of energy and you can keep them in your purse or pocket!

stones

I suggest making it something that you have easy access to. It might even be walking outside. Breathing in fresh air.

When I’m in nature or with animals (especially both at the same time), I surrender to gratitude and feel better instantly.

The “lack” feelings are ushered out and replaced with something much more powerful…GRATITUDE for what is, for what I do have.

I’d love to hear in the comments below what your gratitude touchstones are.

If you don’t have one yet, that’s cool too.

Just notice what ALWAYS makes you feel better on the inside. That’s a good place to start. Then you can name it and begin a daily practice of tuning into your gratitude touchstones more often. Whenever you need them.

Gratitude is where it’s at.

In gratitude, clearly:)… (I’m smiling as I type this because I love the way gratitude feels),

Devon

How to not be so hard on yourself

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look back

The last few days have been weird.

A flashback into my past.

I stayed at my parents house for a few nights taking care of their dogs, koi fish and bullfrog (I clearly hail from a family of animal fanatics) while they are out of town.

It felt strange being in the childhood home I grew up in.

The energy of the house took me right back to my teenage years.

Sharp memories of lurking in the kitchen and binging on all the sweets and carbs I could get my hands on, cutting off my long hair in the downstairs bathroom, and trying to overdose on pills in my bedroom to end the self-hatred I had at the time.

I was a handful to say the least.

I’ve grown up and changed A LOT since then.

Yet an old part of me was still triggered being in that kitchen again. With every opportunity to binge my face off.

It had been years since I felt triggered like that.

And I still remember the exact pattern if I choose to “go there.”

I will feel a high, then relief, then numbness, then disgust, then shame, then panic and extreme anxiety which leads to more crazy and irrational behavior to get rid of what I just ate.

It’s a slippery slope indeed.

The good news is I have gained traction (aka self-awareness and self-esteem) in the past 10 years.

Through a sh*&-ton of therapy, life coaching and ongoing personal development work, I know my triggers like the back of my hand.

When I feel binge-y I know I need to channel that energy into something else asap.

So I got in the car and went to a nearby place that helps settles my frantic energy; a place that helps me chill and see the big picture of life; a place where I can lose myself for a bit in a healthy way.

The museum.

Yep, I took my triggered self to the Museum of Nature and Science and an IMAX movie that looked interesting. Then I mosied around the exhibits like a kid on a field trip.

Afterward, I went to the grocery store and bought food that makes me feel good, which my body does well on.

Whew, I felt like myself again. My 30-year old self. Not my 20-year old self who rears her head once in a blue moon.

Ten years ago I didn’t have the life experience, body awareness, or self-esteem to consciously decide and act upon choices that serve me vs. harm me in the long run.

Now I do. That is a big fu&*ing deal. Yet I forget how far I’ve come.

“Always concentrate on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” ~Unknown

It may not FEEL like you have come far but take a moment and reflect back on where you were 10 years ago.

I can guarantee that you are not the exact same person doing the exact same things.

If you were, you would not be drawn to this blog nor interested and immersed in your own self-discovery, spiritual awakening, healing process or whatever you want to call it.

BUT YOU ARE. And you’re here.

You might be beating yourself up for not being where you want to be.  Trust me, I get it.

My inner critic still hounds on me, not so much for body stuff, but for business stuff and not being where I “should be” financially, blah, blah, blah.

But I’ve come a long way, baby. And I know you have too.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit.

No matter where you are today, you have overcome something. You have endured, survived and gotten through (I’m guessing MANY things) or you wouldn’t be here reading this.

Whether it was a turbulent childhood, an addiction, loss or traumatic event, YOU ARE HERE NOW. Still showing up for life.

That speaks volumes in my book and sends a big ol’ message to the universe.

“Your past does NOT equal your future.” ~Tony Robbins

Amen, Tony Robbins and this is SO true.

You have changed more than you realize and built internal muscles of perseverance.

Take a moment to reflect back on what you were doing 5 or 10 years ago?

What comes to mind that perhaps you haven’t thought about in awhile or really given yourself credit for?

I’d love to hear in the comments below what you have overcome or how you’ve changed since then.

You are an inspiration already. Know that.

Here’s to self-compassion, living AND learning,

Devon

Cancer. And what a real hug feels like.

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The last few weeks have been tough for my family. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. The news was a shock to all of us. It felt like someone hit me with a stun gun. I couldn’t react. I couldn’t believe it.

Yet the tests were in and it was confirmed. My family huddled together. One sister drove home from college. Another sister Skyped in from Peace Corps. I saw tears in the eyes of the men in my family.

I’m blessed that my family has always been close, but recently we have become closer on a new level.

I hugged my mom for the first time without quickly unwrapping my arms because “it was time” to release the hug. I hugged her and completely let my guard down. We held each other and cried together and I could not stop the flood of emotions.

I didn’t try to control my emotions. I didn’t try and maintain composure and be the “strong” one.

I feel so much love for her and I was able to express that without holding back…my heart wouldn’t let me close up or protect me. Thank god. The wall of bricks around my heart continues to come down.

2horses

I have horses to thank for that. They have taught me to allow my emotions to come up, flow through and be released.

To stop judging myself for what I’m feeling.

To ease up my self-imposed iron fist of control. To take risks when it comes to intimacy, autheniticty and vulnerablitiy.

They have taught me what it feels like to be in the moment. To stay present and not run for the hills, no matter how intense the emotions are.

To be grateful for today and not wait until tomorrow to give a real hug, open my heart and say “I love you, I’m sorry, I’m here for you.”

Mom just shared with us that if she plays cancer as hard as she plays her tennis match opponents, that cancer will have to lose.

She is beautifully resilient. I have much to learn from her.

I’m grateful for my brilliant, lovely, spunky, inspiring and courageous mom. I’m grateful for my family. I’m grateful for horses.

I’m grateful for my physical health. I’m grateful that my previous priorities have been seriously “checked.”

I’m grateful for the woman I am becoming. By staying present through tough times with an open heart.
Love and light,

Devon