Grieving the loss of my relationship

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I currently have my laptop on my right and The Right to Write by Julia Cameron, on my left. I also have my phone playing Tim Wheater’s flute music which the book suggests. I know two things for sure in this moment: number one, I feel called to write and number two, I’m stuck on what to write about. There are a few significant topics in my life right now and I’m scared to write about them. The biggest topic that keeps coming up and brings tears to my eyes in this moment, is my recent breakup.

It jolts me when I think too long and hard about it. The loss of a wonderful man in my life. The loss of our dreams together. The pain and ache in my heart that hits when I think about the memories we shared. The gut-wrenching feeling before I open my eyes in the morning, knowing he’s not there.

The grief is raw and the tears come in waves.

For the first time in my life, when someone says. “How are you doing?”, I don’t answer “Fine” or “Good.”  Instead, tears start to leak before words come out. My body won’t let me hide the truth.

I can’t deny how I feel and my vulnerability defenses are down.

My mantra fluctuates multiple times a day between “You’re going be ok” to “God, please help me.” I have wailed into Blue’s mane. I have screamed in my car. I have beaten and sobbed into pillows.

It feels messy and cleansing at the same time…allowing my heart to ache and express itself. I’m not shoving down the feelings I don’t want to face like I have in the past.

What I am learning is to let grief move through me. To not resist it or put an expiration date on sadness.

I’m not in the place of “getting over it”, nor is it time to move on. It is time to honor and mourn the heart-opening love I experienced. Grief is teaching me to listen to my heart and what it needs. I know “Strong Devon” and in recent years I’ve gotten to know “Soft Devon” but “Openly Sad and Hurting Devon” is a new one for me. Allowing my sadness to be heard, seen, and acknowledged is what my heart needs to heal.

By writing about it, I no longer feel stuck. I feel open and connected.

light through

“Grief is a matter of the heart and soul. Grieve your loss, allow it in, and spend time with it. Suffering is the optional part. Love never dies and spirit knows no loss. Keep in mind that a broken heart is an open heart.” – Lousie Hay

Allowing it in,

Devon

Healing the Father Wound

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Written by an anonymous member of the Unbridled community

I was four years old. I was there when my mom, unaware she was carrying twins, broke down in tears upon hearing the news. She was overjoyed but filled with uncertainty as she knew she would be raising three children without a loving partner.

My childhood was marked by a profound sense of loss and abandonment. My dad, who should have been a source of love and support, was mostly absent. He officially left while I was away visiting family on a summer trip. I was eight years old at the time. Looking back, it seems this was carefully planned as a way to avoid facing the consequences of his actions. But I was old enough to understand and feel pain when I found out I would see him every other weekend (pending availability). I was old enough to feel disappointed when he would stop by on Christmas morning instead of spending the day with us. He had other plans with the woman who replaced my mom.

I can’t even begin to understand the emotional toll this took on my mother as she shielded us from the harsh reality of his emotional detachment. I’d sometimes catch her crying when she thought no one was looking, even though she mostly tried to put on a brave face for her young children. I’m so grateful that my mom had and still has endless love and affection to give us.

My childhood led to a lifetime of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and low self-worth. I developed a strong need for validation, constantly seeking approval from others. To protect myself from further hurt, I built a wall around myself, keeping people at a distance to avoid potential abandonment and rejection. Witnessing my father’s infidelity eroded my trust in men. His betrayal left me questioning whether I would ever be able to find a loving partner I could trust. My long-term relationships were mostly plagued with doubt and suspicion.

In my early 40s, becoming a mother triggered a need to heal from the wounds of my past. I sought the help of therapists and a healer who guided me through powerful healing sessions, including one focused on my relationship with my dad. My healer and I meditated together and I experienced a breakthrough. For the first time in my life, I felt compassion for him. Tears streamed down my face as I felt a sense of peace. I understood that this was bigger than me.

I’ve come to realize that my father’s behavior was likely a result of his unresolved emotional issues. His avoidance tactics, such as workaholism, infidelity and possibly alcoholism, might have been attempts to cope with underlying pain or trauma. Maybe his own emotional neglect had been passed down from generation to generation. I realized that he might be living a life full of pain.

That said, I still find it difficult to have a relationship with him as he is still the same person as he was in my childhood but I make a point to see him because I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandfather.

The reality is that when my dad was growing up and had young children of his own, mental health wasn’t really a topic of discussion. Although I don’t think he’ll ever seek to heal, as a collective we’ve opened our eyes to mental health issues and the benefits of healing our trauma.

As a parent, I feel a deep responsibility to heal my own wounds so that I don’t pass them on to my kids. It’s a challenging journey, but I’m proud of the progress I’m making, for myself and for them. I’m trying my best to raise my sons by showing them love and that it’s ok to feel emotions, even when they’re hard to sit with. It’s ok to express them, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to not be ok.

Unresolved trauma will keep tapping us on the shoulder until we address it. It is only by facing our fears and emotions head-on that we can truly heal and break free from the cycle of pain.

While sharing my story is therapeutic, it’s also a way to offer hope to others who have experienced deep pain in their past. Healing is possible, even when it seems impossible. By seeking support, confronting our pain, and breaking free from the shackles of the past, we can forge a brighter future for ourselves and our families.

Anonymously yours,
B

PS – My mom is now married to a wonderful and kind man who treats her like gold. They’ve been together for over 30 years and are still madly in love!

Trust your intuition to follow your dreams

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I learned just how powerful my intuition is when I packed up my life, left a six year real estate career, cashed my last commission check, and moved from a Denver townhouse to the Larkspur ranch.

Well-intentioned friends, family and colleagues advised me to keep my real estate license “just in case” and “as a backup”.

But my intuition spoke to me saying something entirely different. It told me to cut off the golden handcuffs and go for it. After three and a half years of working in real estate and building Unbridled Retreats simultaneously, it was time to make the leap into living my dream full-time.

So I jumped! I was bound and determined to never have the phrases “Outstanding curb appeal” and “Light and bright kitchen” come out of my mouth again. Instead I wanted to follow my intuition which said my purpose was to work with women and horses, my true calling.

Trust your intuition and take the leap-Moving day-Unbridled Retreats

After years of trying to be who I thought I should be, I began living my life in alignment with who I really am…a woman who is much happier helping people find their personal worth vs. the worth of their home.

Being true to yourself is about going for what you want, not what you think you “should” want based on the expectations of your friends, your spouse, your kids, your relatives, or your colleagues.

Following your dreams requires taking risks, accepting uncertainty, relying on your courage, and learning to trust your intuition. Taking the path of your dreams is the road less traveled. If you’ve read this far I know you’ve got a calling that will lead to your dream, even if you’re not living it yet.

Empowered women following their dreams at Unbridled Retreats

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND TRUST YOUR INTUITION. It will guide you, one step (or leap), at a time.

Your dream may not happen overnight but it will happen over time. Never give up, trust your intuition, believe in yourself, get support, take risks, find mentors, and give it everything you’ve got.

Do you listen to your intuition? I’d love to hear from you. Share in the comments below.

The Realtor turned ranchwoman,

Devon

Top 5 tips for Well-Being

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Are you going through a rough time, feeling out of whack, or just want some tools to feel better in general?

Check out my TOP 5 TIPS FOR WELL-BEING…

BE IN NATURE

“In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.” – John Muir

Being in nature is an efficient healing source and a quick way to shift your mood. Go barefoot in your backyard and feel the grass under your feet. Walk in your local park and look up at the trees. Visit a garden and literally smell the roses. Notice the colors, aromas, and diversity of nature.

On my daily walks, I’m reminded of the abundance of the universe, and it lifts my spirits and clears my mind.

SHARE HOW YOU FEEL

“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”- Brene Brown

This can be a hard one for many people who try to appear to “have it together all the time”. I’m going to let you in on a secret….NOBODY DOES! I used to be a master of hiding how I felt and it was working with horses that taught me to share my authentic self.

Keeping your true feelings buried causes you to feel alone which can lead to depression. Call a friend, family member (my sister is my go-to), or visit an Equine Coach or therapist. When you share how you feel with a trusted confidante (person or animal), you instantly feel lighter, more connected, and not so alone.

JOURNAL

“What a comfort is this journal. I tell myself to myself and throw the burden on my book and feel relieved.” – Anne Lister

Writing down your thoughts and feelings is a healthy outlet for them to be released. It can give you a new perspective, and it’s a powerful way to reflect on what is and isn’t working in your life.

My favorite journaling practice is Julia Cameron’s “Morning Pages” exercise of writing three pages each morning. I love stream-of-consicousness journaling of downloading all my thoughts and feelings through the pen.

MOVE YOUR BODY

“Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person’s physical, emotional, and mental states.” – Carol Welch

Crank the music and dance in your kitchen, or go to the gym and sweat it out. Nothing gets you out of your head, and into your body faster than raising your heart rate.

Even when I don’t feel like it, I make it a priority to exercise at least 15 minutes 4 to 5 times a week and I ALWAYS feel better and more energetic afterward.

MEDITATE

“Suffering is due to our disconnection with the inner soul. Meditation is establishing that connection.” – Amit Ray

Take 5 to 15 minutes each day to sit, close your eyes, and observe your breath. It helps relieve anxiety, and connects you to your inner guidance. By meditating regularly, you develop the ability of observing your thoughts instead of your thoughts controlling you.

I love guided meditations because they help keep my mind from wandering all over the place. I highly recommend the Headspace Meditation app for simple 10 minute guided meditations.

 

We ALL feel out of whack at times and by integrating these tools, you can experience more balance and increased well-being.

I’d love to hear from you….what practice or tools do you use to stay balanced and feel better? Share in the comments below.

To your well-being,

Devon

Allowing myself to cry

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In my experience, allowing myself to cry is healthy.

“Crying is good for the soul. It means something needs to be released. And if you don’t release the something, it just weighs you down until you can hardly move.” ― Erin Entrada Kelly

In the past 18 hours, I’ve cried 2 separate times – one was a stress cry and one was a gratitude cry.

The stress cry happened in my therapists’ office yesterday as I was sharing/downloading recent challenges that had been building up emotionally and mentally about running my business.

The tears started pouring out as I hit a tender topic and I didn’t hold back. Once I cried and my pain was witnessed with no judgement – only support – I immediately felt a lot lighter afterwards. Like two tons of weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I didn’t even realize how heavy the stress I’d been carrying was until I cried and released it. My mind felt lighter and my emotions had been honored. That’s a stress cry for me.

The second cry happened this morning when I was reading feedback forms that 2 Unbridled clients filled out about their experience in the Living Unbridled Program for alumni. Their words touched my soul, I felt immense gratitude and a literal overflowing of love pouring outward from my heart. The tears came easily and effortlessly and I felt a softening in my body. That’s a gratitude cry for me.

Growing up I thought crying meant being vulnerable and being vulnerable meant being weak so I did everything I could to avoid being perceived as weak. That led me to an eating disorder and a dark path that almost ended my life in my early 20s. It was the healing power of horses that taught me crying is ok, healthy, and necessary as part of the healing and feeling process. It’s also an integral part of being human and experiencing life, contrary to many “societal norms.”

That’s why I created Beyond the Arena, now Unbridled Retreats, 14 years ago – our equine retreats allow people a safe space to cry, release, process, reflect, and be themselves. No judgement, no “fixing” rather an uplifting, guided, supportive environment to allow people to cry, laugh, celebrate, grief, love, release pent up emotions and embrace self-compassion – which is life-changing, and in some cases, life-saving, as it was for me in my own healing journey.

Thanks for reading. Does any of this resonate with you? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

With love,
Devon

“The Summer Day” by Mary Oliver

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Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean—

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver